Just as the title above said, 'Congratulations, Ms. Flake. You are now the most hated girl in your batch.' That should be what the announcer will tell me when he hands over the "Bitch Of The Year" award to me, not to mention the sash with the words "Despise Queen" or "Ice Queen" written across. Maybe if we were to have a yearbook this year, I would be voted "Ms. Show-Off". Really. All these awards? God, how flattering!
Now I don't mean to bash myself or I don't mean to degrade myself but it's true. At first I thought those were just rumours made up to bring me down but as time flies by, I soon figure out that those things they would talk to me about are true. Many people do talk about me behind my back. At times, I would hear them say good things or praise me when I'm around. And whenever I would speak in front, write for the school paper or dance, they would-just as the same-praise me when I'm around and then talk about me behind my back, trying desperately to ruin my good name.
At first, I just let it slide. It's okay, I said. They can say whatever they want for as long as they don't fuck around with me because the moment they do that deliberately and bluntly, I will not hold back to show them how I get mad. So I just continued doing what I want to do, me still being a confident person just the way I really am. But it got worse. One of my guy friends would approach me everyday to give me something that seemed to me like a 'daily tabulation' or 'daily report' of how many people hate me, how many people talk about me behind my back, etc. etc. etc...it really got to me and I was really annoyed at that guy. If I were mean enough, I would say "Stop caring." but I didn't cause he's my friend. So I just tell him to let them be. He didn't do it for a long time....
Until today. Today would be one of the worst days in my life. So here's how the story goes: I was sitting near the _________ classroom with my Korean friend and my best friend when these 3 guys who I called "friends" approached us and talked to us. My best friend stood up and went to the comfort room to fix her hair. With her gone, the three took this an opportunity to once again make me feel bad. One in particular asked me, "Bakit ang lakas ng loob mo?" pertaining to me having the confidence to go up there and dance while the other asked the same. I answered in a semi-annoyed manner [as this is the umpteenth time they asked this] that this is the way I grew up and there is nothing they could do about it. Then it struck. The one bastard said, "Pwede ba wag mo na lang ipakita. Kasi hindi maganda tignan. Plastic lang sila..." something like that. Those words were like an arrow through the heart. That's how it hurts. My entire body went numb and I became half-blind and totally deaf. I couldn't hear anything. I just sat there, staring at the hallway waiting for something to happen. But nothing did. It was as if I was waiting for a miracle or something. Then I played those words again and again in my mind and I couldn't really accept the fact that these guys whom I thought were my friends, could say something so degrading, so discouraging, and so...so...God! Words aren't enough to explain this. I think it needs emotion as well.
Let me clarify this to avoid all sorts of questions. But these are questions that most people would ask me:
"Why did they say those words to you?"
->Well obviously, that's something I myself cannot answer. I find myself asking the same question over and over again. I guess they were either showing fake concern or they are deliberately trying to pull me down. Either way, it's negative.
2. "Are you affected"
->You're damn right I am affected! Dude, these are my friends and this is my talent we're talking about. This isn't just some dress that you can slip on and off!!!
Back to the point, I'd like to emphasize number 2. Yes. I am so goddamn affected. Do you know what it's like working hard for an hour or so practicing dance steps you so worked hard to learn and memorize? Do you know how it feels performing in front of loads of people, trying to overcome stagefright and all? And lastly....LASTLY!!!!!!! Do you know what it feels like having friends whom you thought supported you only to have them pull you down? That just shows what completely honest, sincere, true friends you are, then! I was counting on your support, waiting for that "hwaiting!!!" cheer that you should be giving me. Instead I get this crap saying that I'm not good enough. Well thank you very much.
NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS NO MATTER HOW DIFFERENT YOUR PERSONALITY MAY BE. I KNOW I MAY BE OVERREACTING SINCE IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE POSTED ON A TOPIC THAT I'VE BEEN HEARING OF FOR LIKE...MONTHS BUT I'M JUST FED UP. I TYPED THIS STATEMENT IN BOLD LETTERS JUST TO EMPHASIZE HOW COMPLETELY DOWN I AM!
I know I may not be the 'ideal' girl out there. I have a lot of shortcomings and I myself am aware of that. I may be snobbish, a bit bossy, too much of a perfectionist, somewhat a show off, a little bit of a priss, a wee bit of a sass, somehow cold and all that but this doesn't mean you should treat me in such a way, especially if I have never done you wrong.
~just a message. i hope it's clear. i don't want anyone to ask me about this. i don't want anyone to ask why the hell i ran all the way to the guidance office to bawl my eyes out and possibly embarrass myself in front of _______~
now that was funny...
spreading the SOSHIFIED love. Hwaiting!
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