Thoughts.

I'm having a pretty lonely day today. Why? Cause alot of bad things have been going on. It seems as if I have a shortage of luck/happiness today. Early on this morning, I went to the Guidance Office to talk to our Guidance Counselor. Just a little info, in our school, when the words "Guidance Office" are mentioned, fear strikes the hearts of students. In our school, the words "Guidance Office" are synonymous to punishment, sanctions, expulsions, etc. Trouble, for short. But for me, it's an entire different story. Guidance Office for me is a safe haven. It's a place where I go to when I have problems. It's a safe zone for me. It's heaven for me. I know most students find it weird that I frequent the said place but for me, it's as normal as it gets. It's even more abnormal if I don't visit.

So anyways back to the point, I really felt lonely and the sadness only added up when I opened up to our GC. I told her about how paranoid I am since I feel as if people from my batch hate me. And it's partly true! Ever since the day I started becoming more outgoing and confident, people have been receiving me the wrong way. They started bashing me, being rude to me, hating on me, saying bad stuff about me, and the like. Ever since I started speaking my mind, people have been labeling me as a 'show-off' or a 'rude girl'. Ever since I started dancing and/or performing, people started calling me 'maarte' or an 'attention whore' [Note: these aren't the exact words they used. If they called me an attention whore, let alone a whore, I'd smack them square in the face! Call me what you may but nobody calls me a whore!]. I also told her about how people would distance themselves from me. Don't get it? Alright, I'll give an example. If we are to perform a social dance or a formal dance that requires a partner, nobody would volunteer to be my partner. I would end up with either my best friend or dancing alone. [Dancing alone is better though but I like dancing with my friend. We like acting stupid anyways :))] Or if ever a teacher would select our partners, whoever my partner was would always complain or distance himself and the others would tease him stuff like "Good luck [insert name here]". I don't hit back at them since I know I would get to nowhere but there are times wherein I really yell at them or reprimand them. It's really very annoying how people tend to avoid you. Sure, I may not be one of the prettiest girls around. I'm not that popular and I'm not that stylish but these shouldn't be reasons for you to treat me with utter disrespect. Another example? Whenever I speak in front of the class, I would see some students laughing, not listening, and some would even boldly and bluntly cover their ears. Also, when I announce something and I'm announcing in detail, some would butt in and say that they already know what I'm about to announce. It's so fucking irritating, annoying, angering! They're damn lucky I know how to control my temper cause if I flare up, there's no stopping me.

But I had my share of fun as well. Whenever I'm mad, I would just yell at whoever I was mad at and the entire class would hear it, thus putting the said offender in a whirlwind of humiliation and ridicule. I also had my share of misunderstandings or my so-called "stressed" days. A classic, memorable example of these "stressed" days is when I got into a near fight with my schoolmate cause I told her I wouldn't be able to make the flyers for our DramaFest, or when me and my best friend had a falling out because of something I wrote or it could be the dance thing between me and my best friend.[I'm not careless, I'm just expressive.]. Life indeed has its sweet and sour moments. Just like pork <3.

There's a recurrent thought in my mind. Why do people hate me? What have I done to cause them to dislike me so much? What wrong thing did I do to make them despise me? I accept the fact that I have a very little number of friends but to have more enemies/haters than friends is really something. I don't know about you but I think jealousy is brewing somewhere. I don't mean to brag but I'm not totally incapable or untalented. I can do many things and since I have the confidence to flaunt it, most people could be jealous.

But it's okay, you know! That's what I told myself the moment I started writing this sentence. I don't care what they say, do, or think about me. It's not their opinion that matters. Their thoughts are insignificant, my satisfaction is important. Another example. The dance video of mine that a friend uploaded on Facebook. Sure a lot of people commented positive stuff on it but in this world and in my complicated life, you can never tell who's real and who isn't. But I'm a smart girl. I get the hint. I can tell if what that person posted is real or not. As expected, majority of those who posted comments there, posted fake stuff. Fake praises, fake cheers. Fake people. Like I said, their opinions don't matter. I know I'm not a good dancer for them. They just like to make me their laughing stock or the butt of their jokes. But I don't care about them. They can't control me.

That's another feeling I've been battling: the feeling of worthlessness which could be attributed to the negative comments of other people. People would say that I'm a good dancer. It's flattering but whenever I would dance, I would see them snickering, laughing, giggling, chuckling or any synonym for laughter. Based on their facial expressions and reactions, what do they expect me to think? Of course, that they're laughing at me. What they say is not real. It's nothing but plastic. They're just kidding me. But I don't believe in them. No I don't. I believe in myself. I'm a good dancer. I can dance and I know it. If I'm not a good dancer for them, then that's they're problem. For me, I know what I can and cannot do and dancing is definitely one of those things that I personally excel in. I can't back down now. I've come too far to quit.

All this we discussed. It brought a few tears to my eyes but I must admit, I'm all cried out. My tears have dried. I can't cry anymore. All I can do is feel sad but crying is something that I certainly have forgotten how to do.